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It’s time now to let go of the idea that I have any control over my life and to go wherever it takes me. To keep those that I love close and to keep showing them how much I care about them. This week started so well an amazing lunch by the sea with good friends, relaxing and happy. Followed by some fun kids time with an inflatable day at my daughters school we set up for about 500 kids again in the sun. Nicely finished off by dinner out with loved ones. Life is going well, I’m surrounded by some amazing people  who I love and who offer the same unconditional love and care in return.

Then one of very many scans I’ve had over 9 years came back with a few abnormalities this week.  Ok that’s not disastrous just needs more detailed tests right? Until I started getting a few aches with it and told my oncologist this. She has always been very paranoid with me the slightest hint of anything and they are down on me like a ton of bricks, looks like I’m gonna get a houseful of them in the next few weeks! A big dose of steroids on Tuesday an urgent MRI on Wednesday and results confirmed 2 hours later i have a small amount of secondary bone cancer in the top of my spine with a lymph node infected in my neck. Turns out the tamoxifen that has served me so well the last 9 years is no longer doing its job so well. So here we go again get the pic and mix of drugs and treatments out time for a shake up, time to try something new. A bit of radiotherapy, new hormone tablets maybe throw in a bone strengthener! Oh and a pet scan and biopsy ok I can deal with that I trust the people around me to do their best for me. Just don’t expect me to enjoy it…

Where to start??? From sitting there at diagnosis with my boyfriend, speaking  to my dad? 1 hour conversations with friends on the phone checking to see how I am? My daughter was 1 last time I had to deal with any of this she is now nearly 10 and very much more aware of what’s happening. I am negotiating this new territory as best I can but I suspect this will be the biggest hurdle of all to help her with many emotions she doesn’t understand and let’s face it neither do I. What is just plain annoying though is I was supposed to be on a plane and a beach this weekend enjoying the warm sunshine with an amazing man who came into my life 3 months ago. The care and love we have enjoyed together the last few months has been inspiring, Allowing my confidence and character to return back to its full strength thank you. Sorry it looks like our fun plans will be a bit smaller for a while, good excuse to up the budget though later as we deserve it.

I have no idea what the next few months has planned for me some great, some not so great probably. I put my faith in the hands of my care team and will do as I’m told. Surrounded by all the people I love who know some days this will wind me up and I may use the odd swear word here and there. But most of the time I prefer to enjoy myself with others and indulge in the normal madness of our  day to day lifes to some loud music and remember nobody knows what the future holds. Time for cake and maybe even a cheeky spa break!!!

 

Love Angela xx

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ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices are governed, there is nothing that will threaten your happiness….” Gerald Rogers. I have spent too much time and energy in the last few years focusing on the negatives and how to try and fix them, I am now realising the best way to do this is to focus on the positive and the more positive things will step forward in your life. At the beginning of this year I let go of my marriage I cannot fix and I don’t feel bad about it, you can try to fix a bad situation but there comes a point you have to accept it is not possible.

Its amazing how when you split from a long relationship you realise how many people around you have done the same, people you saw in the street now have a story to tell, advice to pass on, its no longer an issue at school,  my daughter is one of many children whose parents have separated. Being able to talk to those who are further down the line than you offers invaluable advice to help you negotiate the tricky process of ‘co-parenting’. The process is not easy you split up for a reason so it doesn’t mean suddenly life will be a bed of roses apart, communication can prove complicated. However now it is limited to a ‘need to know’ basis making it simpler at least, still currently working out this area of my life but in time let’s see what happens.

Part of embracing the positives is not to dwell on the past, look forward after the end of a marriage life is now what you make it and nobody can stop you. You are responsible for your future, as scary as that is the opportunity is now out there to create the life you want, that independent, confident, happy, positive and caring girl is now finding her way back into the world. I now laugh a little harder, my smile is a lot brighter and I find myself smiling for no reason. Its another experience in life that you can learn from and gain strength that it will develop your character and make you a stronger person.

There is someone out there who will make you feel special and think you are amazing just the way you are! The heart is full of hope and that’s the way it should always be…

Here are a few quotes from a beautiful article by Gerald Rogers somethings we should never forget…

Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. Be that man that would OWN HER HEART and fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for her. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman

Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid..

Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

Love from me xxx

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Your life can only head down the wrong path for so long, until events take over and life corrects itself, something puts you back on course and leads you in a new direction. This is uncomfortable to start with, then gradually as you embrace the change, and discover the spark you used to have, life begins to take on real meaning and you realise that those around you who walk the journey with you are there because they love and care about you and you realise how important they are to you.

You remember who you are, what is important to you, being yourself again feels amazing, suddenly you are smiling more, finding things funnier, food is tastier. You start to look around you and realise what you have and how lucky you are, you let go of the negative parts of your life, it is no longer important to focus on what is missing, what you should have, what it should of been. This empowerment impacts every aspect of your life and at times can be a little overwhelming, I fully appreciate that somedays I may look a little stupid walking down the road smiling.

It’s not selfish to make your life the best it can be because that’s when you are truly allowed to shine. For me that mean’t letting go and moving on from a marriage that was making myself, my daughter and my ex husband very unhappy. It doesn’t make either of us bad people, we are very different people to when we met, we both made our mistakes but if we had to change so much to fix it that’s not fair and impossible. Life has now moved on we are creating new plans and it is proving to be an exciting adventure and journey of discovery.

I have no idea where I will be or what I will be doing a year from today but I intend to have fun finding out… watch this space… I would not be where I am today had it not been for all the amazing people around me right now thank you very much xxxx

As a parent you want to bring up your children to the best that they can. They need the maths, english and computer skills, to enjoy sport, play an instrument, have lots of friends and so on. There are a long list of clubs and activities we sign them up for, and now we have the Ipad and mobile phones to contend with… new words such as emoji now in our everyday language, we now have protocols for playdates/family visits for the iPad!

It is very easy to get carried away in this very commercial world, trying to add as much into our lives as possible, somehow we are all more successful if we are busy. Then there is a power cut, rainy day or our plans for the day are cancelled, disaster what are we going to do all day? Then while I’m searching on my smartphone googling where to go when it rains I realise my daughter has tipped out the lego box and has started making a car with a swimming pool on the back and a house on wheels with a bunch of flowers on top… all the little lego people suddenly lined up to watch this perfect example of imagination and contentment.

Too often you feel the need to entertain and direct children with what they ‘should’ be doing but when given the chance they have a whole world of imagination and creativity inside them that comes to life. I love to see children given time off developing their own minds and exercising their ability to think, a life skill that will carry with them through every area of their life. Its healthy for children to have boundaries and good role models, to learn right from wrong, know that every action has a consequence, sit still and pay attention in class, get a good education. However Growing minds need the opportunity to be exercised, social and emotional skills developed, to learn to think for themselves and explore ideas.

Yes learn the skills you need but also write your own, develop new ones, create your own life, lead don’t follow. Turn of the TV and how about ask questions they need to think about to get to know each other, to make us all think? To reawaken our sense of curiosity? So often gadgets, media and life distracts us from developing good conversation with our children, good communication is an essential part of life.

Smart parents give their children a million answers. Wise parents ask their children a million questions. And so smart parents might know, but wise parents understand.

I strife to be the perfect mother and inspire my daughter to be the best she can be but life can have a habit of taking over and this theory doesn’t always go strictly to plan, so when it was way past bedtime last night and I’m asked ‘Why’ for the tenth time and I say: Because mummy said so that’s why… Looks like I still need some practise. I hear another comment in my head from my own mother: Do as I say not as I do…

So for these days I love this idea I saw on mumsnet today to get things back on track :

Conversation Jar

There we are, looking at each other over a table with nothing between us but open space and time and love . . .  and I cannot think of a single interesting thing to ask them. I got nothing. I’m a mother, so I’m tired. It’s just impossible to be creative when you’re tired. And so here’s what I end up saying: “So – how was your day?” Every parent knows that this rusty “how was your day” key doesn’t work but we keep trying it because it’s the only one we can find. 

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A few months ago – Tish’s teacher sent home a “Conversation Jar” filled with interesting questions that the students in Tish’s class created.  I put this jar on the kitchen table and a few times a week, we take turns pulling out a question during dinner. THIS JAR HAS MAGICAL POWERS. It’s been months now and still, every time we open it – everyone at the table wakes up a little bit. Little eyes flicker back to life, folks sit up straight in their seats, the arguing stops, and it’s all “me firsts! Can I answer first, mom??”

And so I reach in and pull out a key: “If you were an inventor – what would you invent, and why?” And then it’s quiet for a moment. Everyone makes her thinking face. They are searching themselves. They are looking inside to see what they’ll find and as soon as they find it: there it is – their hands fly up and they say: “I know I know!!” And then they pull something out of themselves that they didn’t even know was there. Look! Look what I found inside of me! And the family laughs or nods and either way we are saying: wow, that is so cool. I didn’t even know that about you! I didn’t even know that room inside of you existed. There are a billion little rooms inside each of your children that remain locked up, unexplored, and a good question can lead you right inside.

I love this jar because it livens up our evenings and helps me know my babies better – but it doesn’t end there. HERE IS AN IMPORTANT PART: Kids who learn to be self aware tend to become others aware and world aware. We want our children to understand themselves, the people in their lives, and the world they live in. This kind of awareness is what makes a good citizen. So we’ve written questions that unlock awareness on all three levels. You will notice that some of these questions ask a child to look within (What was your first thought when you woke up today?), others ask her to consider her peers (Who in your class seems lonely?) and others ask her to look at the world (What do you think is the biggest challenge facing our world today?). Kids must become explorers of themselves first, and then their eyes open to other people in their lives. It’s a process, teaching curiosity, awareness and compassion. This jar is a start.

I love it when someone asks me a thoughtful question for three reasons. First, it shows that the other person cares enough to try to get to know me. Second, it shows curiosity – which is one of my favorite traits. Third, a thoughtful question offers me the opportunity to unlock rooms inside myself I’ve never explored before.

Getting to know ourselves and others is the greatest adventure. We are explorers of ourselves and the people we love. Love is the ongoing process of unlocking each other and keeping safe whatever we find. Thoughtful questions are the keys we use to do the unlocking and safekeeping.

Glennon Doyle Melton author of ‘Carry on Warrior’

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Last year’s Mother’s Day did not end well, or start well come to think of it. A day of receiving love and attention, a relaxed happy time for you to feel appreciated in the thoughts of others it was not. Yes my daughter made me a lovely card and I did have flowers which were nice and looking back I did get the basics and the boxes were ticked but more importantly the atmosphere was not there. My daughter of course made me feel loved and special but my husband did not and I apparently was ungrateful and unreasonable to believe this was how it was supposed to happen.

It was on this day a year ago that I realised I was with a man who is either not capable of showing care and attention towards me or no longer wanted to. It wasn’t up for discussion then and still wasn’t when he left.

It is now a lot easier to look at a situation from the outside and see how wrong it was rather than living in the middle of it and not understanding why you can’t fix it. It is true that it takes two to make a marriage and takes two to f**k it up and therefore takes two to fix it. If you can’t both discuss what went wrong or don’t want to its time to move on, everyone has the right to be happy.

In dramatic contrast Mother’s Day this year started with breakfast on a tray as I woke up, flowers, a personalised card and homemade present. A girlie relaxed lunch out followed by a mini bake off making cookies, a film and a lot of laughter watching silly cat videos. The day has flown by I feel loved and very lucky to have a beautiful caring daughter. It seems it was not such an unreasonable expectation after all and actually an incredibly easy thing to pull off if your heart’s in the right place.

Always keep your eyes and heart focused on those who are important to you and those who you are important to. Xx

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Friday 13th October 2006 was the day I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer so as you can imagine I am not happy about today I narrowly avoided walking under a ladder outside a shop this morning… and as you all have read about before I am now separated from my husband after 22 years and its Valentine’s Day tomorrow!.

How do I approach this weekend? Its not really my style to hide and feel sorry for myself so I am feeling much more fight than flight today. I have been out for a refreshing (or freezing depends how you look at it!) 7 mile bike ride this morning, I have bought myself my own flowers and this year got what I like and Fifty Shades of Grey tickets are booked for the weekend with two very naughty friends.. you know who you are! So that’s the sex covered this weekend (on screen). Valentine’s Day this year is all about the one I love my gorgeous and amazing 9 year old daughter who is proving herself to be a very caring, intelligent and perceptive young lady, I aim to be the same in return.

It is time to accept that in life pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional and embrace the fact that this is my time. Downloaded some fab new tunes and am free to enjoy playing them very loud on my new Sonos system, which I have to say sounds amazing and has saved many a down moment by filling the house with the beauty of good music. Yet to decide on dinner which will be all my own choice too hooray.

Not all positive though… not impressed putting out the rubbish in the rain every week and am seriously sick of washing up.. but I accept this is something I cannot change. Its not fun waking up every morning on your own without a cuddle, this has now been substituted for a hot water bottle….

This is a quote my dad has always told me:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference – Reinhold Niebuhr

I am able to now define my own life, be myself and not endure the criticism and expectations of others, its my life and I intend to live it my way, I will love others and be loved. For all those out their lucky to be in love enjoy everyday like its Valentine’s Day, don’t forget to tell each other how important you are to each other, and show it. If you need to ask someone if they love you and their response is ‘I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love you‘ hear alarm bells…

Fifty shades here I come…

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“Not one damn thing, really,” says Kate Matthews, a breast cancer survivor and cartoonist, “but whenever I need to feel lifted away from the fear, horror and pain of breast cancer, humor is the first place I turn.”

The journey is tough, the road is long, life very much takes on a sink or swim attitude. Much like grieving for a loved one it isn’t something you ever really get over or forget, it just gets easier with time. If you get through it the experience makes you stronger, this is different for everyone. In the same way that no two cancers are the same, everyone’s recovery is different. It may seem inappropriate to laugh at the subject but it helped me to step out of the seriousness of the situation and get a break.

I remembering texting my friends when I first received the bad news and now 8 years on the only response I remember is a chat I had with a friend about now we could organise a ‘wig’ party and how we could do it.

Sadly so many people have had contact with this disease in some way or another, remember it doesn’t rain forever, day always follows night. Most importantly if life is difficult it doesn’t mean you can’t laugh, its just easier some days than others. Don’t be afraid to get back up and try again, to love again, to live again, and to dream again. So do what makes you happy and be with whoever makes you smile.

For all those loved ones lost and those of us surviving on ‘World Cancer Day‘  xxx

At the beginning of every Year I get a feel of the direction the year will be going… This year it is a sense of change, of soul searching and a search for inner peace.

I have been fighting for 8 years now, first the breast cancer surgery then the chemotherapy, radiotherapy, hormone therapy, more surgery, seizure, coma, more medication, panic attacks, anxiety and so on…. I am now feeling battle weary and am ready for a break. As dramatic as it all sounds it is what it is. Unfair but it all happens as it is supposed to, you accept it and patiently wait while you hopefully head towards recovery putting your well being in the hands of others. You don’t know the outcome and as such do not assume everything will be ok.

I have throughout assumed that my marriage would be ok I expected ups and downs and hard times  but in the past year the cancer battle has been overtaken by the realisation that we are not ok. My husband walked out 3 weeks before christmas his parting words to our daughter were “mummy and daddy are not get on”. I am writing this blog the night before I have agreed to go to a counselling session at which after a month of maybe/maybe not thoughts and experiences I have no idea which way tomorrow will go.

Is cancer to blame? Are we both battle weary? Why are we not closer after everything we have been through? Have we both been so busy keeping life going over the last eight years that for whatever reason, illness, money, time or tiredness we have taken our eyes off the prize and as such our foundations have collapsed.

Are we at the point of no return I cannot answer this for my husband. I know I have no fight left in me anymore and am not prepared to just exist together. We both agree on one thing we want to be happy, appreciated and loved, is this together? I may find out tomorrow or time will tell. For now my priority is my daughter and our health and well being.

One positive from this is finding out how many people have your best interest at heart. It is true you find out who your friends are in a crisis, true, honest, strong friendships are a blessing and should be treasured with all the love you can muster.

‘Life has a lot of grey and sadness – look for that rainbow and frame it. There is beauty in everything, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see it’ Charlotte Kitley 

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How are you?

How do you answer this question when you have or are living under the threat of Cancer that may return. An innocent enough question, politely requesting about your wellbeing.. But its one that I dreaded for a long time as the honest answer was not pretty and probably involved a few choice swear words:

• Cancer has changed my life completely and now I have no idea if I will ever be ‘me ‘ again?

* Feeling awful from all the surgery and medication that life currently throws at me

• Frustrated that my body makes no attempt to keep up with my mind

• Fed up that I don’t know if I will still be here in 6 months time

• Upset that I can’t run here there and everywhere with my daughter as much as I would love to and show her the world.

• Or just a general rubbish, awful, crap etc

Did I say this of course not, nobody wants to hear the truth about how you really feel and I don’t want to tell them either, I don’t want to be miserable to be around, I have always been a relatively positive person and chatty and happy to see people and talk about our lives. I still wanted people to know me as this person. However I would not lie either just be selective with the truth and developed a range of brief carefully worded phrases in response to this question as follows:

• Not too bad thanks (for ok days)

• Been better (for really bad days)

• I’ve just been to (recent holiday, day out or visit) have you been there? (full change of direction technique)

• How are you, you look really well new hair? (just don’t answer the question)

Its been 8 years today since I went in to hospital to have a stage 3, grade 3, large Breast Cancer tumour removed and 4 years since they removed a Brain tumour, with other various surgery and treatments in between. I’m feeling reflective today, where am I now? Are these disguises really necessary anymore, I know that my answers to this question are no longer necessary to hide my thoughts. I have dared on a few occasions to say ‘ok, thanks’ and even ‘good!’. I may even dare to think what I may do in the future.. maybe become a graphic designer again? best not to get too excited just yet!

Please in the future if someone you know has cancer and you are going to ask ‘How are you?’ Try ‘I saw this amazing cake this morning so I bought you one I thought you would enjoy a treat!’…

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Help! I'm a stay-at-home mum

Be inspired, fulfilled and hold your heads high, stay-at-home mums!

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Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

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