It’s time now to let go of the idea that I have any control over my life and to go wherever it takes me. To keep those that I love close and to keep showing them how much I care about them. This week started so well an amazing lunch by the sea with good friends, relaxing and happy. Followed by some fun kids time with an inflatable day at my daughters school we set up for about 500 kids again in the sun. Nicely finished off by dinner out with loved ones. Life is going well, I’m surrounded by some amazing people who I love and who offer the same unconditional love and care in return.
Then one of very many scans I’ve had over 9 years came back with a few abnormalities this week. Ok that’s not disastrous just needs more detailed tests right? Until I started getting a few aches with it and told my oncologist this. She has always been very paranoid with me the slightest hint of anything and they are down on me like a ton of bricks, looks like I’m gonna get a houseful of them in the next few weeks! A big dose of steroids on Tuesday an urgent MRI on Wednesday and results confirmed 2 hours later i have a small amount of secondary bone cancer in the top of my spine with a lymph node infected in my neck. Turns out the tamoxifen that has served me so well the last 9 years is no longer doing its job so well. So here we go again get the pic and mix of drugs and treatments out time for a shake up, time to try something new. A bit of radiotherapy, new hormone tablets maybe throw in a bone strengthener! Oh and a pet scan and biopsy ok I can deal with that I trust the people around me to do their best for me. Just don’t expect me to enjoy it…
Where to start??? From sitting there at diagnosis with my boyfriend, speaking to my dad? 1 hour conversations with friends on the phone checking to see how I am? My daughter was 1 last time I had to deal with any of this she is now nearly 10 and very much more aware of what’s happening. I am negotiating this new territory as best I can but I suspect this will be the biggest hurdle of all to help her with many emotions she doesn’t understand and let’s face it neither do I. What is just plain annoying though is I was supposed to be on a plane and a beach this weekend enjoying the warm sunshine with an amazing man who came into my life 3 months ago. The care and love we have enjoyed together the last few months has been inspiring, Allowing my confidence and character to return back to its full strength thank you. Sorry it looks like our fun plans will be a bit smaller for a while, good excuse to up the budget though later as we deserve it.
I have no idea what the next few months has planned for me some great, some not so great probably. I put my faith in the hands of my care team and will do as I’m told. Surrounded by all the people I love who know some days this will wind me up and I may use the odd swear word here and there. But most of the time I prefer to enjoy myself with others and indulge in the normal madness of our day to day lifes to some loud music and remember nobody knows what the future holds. Time for cake and maybe even a cheeky spa break!!!
Love Angela xx