It was almost a year ago that I embarked on a huge rebalancing of my life and finally gave up the fight and accepted part of the reason I was unhappy was being in a marriage without love that wasn’t working and it was time we called it quits. i took myself by surprise at the decisiveness that I took this step and how right it felt to start out again just me and my daughter. As the months went on I decided I wanted to go out and find someone to enjoy what I’d been missing for so long.
So it began, time to make adult conversation and release my inner wit and practise flirting again… Someone to go out to dinner with or see a film, try new things, finally a social life of my own. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the mum social scene that comes with children but it has its limitations! Fundamentally dating hasn’t really changed from too many years ago when I last took part but now with a few added bits.. An online profile or life cv, mobile numbers, what’s app, smiley faces etc?? After messages with a few people and having a good giggle I realised there is no substitute for meeting in person and finding if the all important attraction is there? So off I went on an actual date!… Or now a coffee date first to see if you want to go on a real date, its surprising though how many people don’t actually drink coffee when you meet.
“Each dating experience provides you with in-the-moment information about your preferences, weaknesses and strengths. If you continue to think and do the same things that you have always thought and experienced, you will remain stuck. Your brain has an extraordinary ability to adapt and grow—if you allow it. For the brain to grow you have to give it new stimulation and new experiences that challenge you on some level. Perhaps there are things that you like or have wanted to try but have been afraid to do so. As long as they reflect your genuine interest, work through the anxiety and put yourself in novel situations where you may meet different kinds of people and experience other aspects of your personality.”
Jill P. Weber, Ph.D. a clinical psychologist
When I went on one particular date in May this year I wasn’t expecting anything other than more practise. Oh how wrong I was something in his look, I knew within the first hour this time was very different, I wanted to stay here I liked it, a lot and I confess fancied the pants off my new date! I wanted to know more and I wasn’t leaving without a cheeky kiss, and I got it! Albeit a very polite and gentlemanly one, we were keen to hold hands together and smiling a lot, this showed real promise and excitement.
We weren’t wrong, six months on and a lovely surprise bunch of pink roses this week we’re well on our way, it seems we both felt the same on that day. We know so much more about each other now and our feelings have grown into love and care for each other. He has brought me back into a life I want to enjoy every minute of. Trying to remember good places to go, choosing a film for the cinema, thinking of holidays you would like to go on. Discovering each others differences, what flavour crisps you like, what TV you like to watch, what alcohol you drink. With time has come the ability to enjoy being relaxed in each others company, cooking dinner, falling asleep on the sofa, not wearing make up or your best clothes. Combining two lives, both our families and our ex families too, its no easy task and takes time to create something new and different.
Something’s don’t change though… “It’s your turn, no I did it last night, but I cooked dinner, but I’ve been working all day!” Yes the washing up a test of any relationship! Its funny now how those little niggles start to show, even down to what dishcloth you use, when your older you have your set ways, you bring these to your relationship in equal measure. I find this amusing, which ones you think ok I’ll try your way and others you take no notice of, grin and carry on as always. Christmas is our next milestone, the tree, the dinner, combining even more families into 2 days and getting the presents right, the hardest bit of all.
Miles from where we started the last six months has been exciting, dramatic and also a valuable lesson in how a relationship should be. We are not perfect, I am still working on not receiving comments negatively as I would of done in the past, when I had good reason to and trusting now that I don’t, in the beginning the ghosts of both our pasts still affected our reactions to a situation. Luckily this time round differences resolve themselves easily and quickly and just add to the process of getting to know each other. The main thing I have learn’t this year is to do what makes you happy and be with who makes you happy, don’t settle or do something just because you feel you are expected to, trust your instincts.
A counsellor told me a year ago all good relationships are built on compassion and compromise, you need someone who makes you feel special, which is where I am today! I am looking forward to what the next six months will bring.
Lots of love