Archives for posts with tag: character

traffic_light_tree

Traffic Light Tree is a public sculpture in London, England, created by the French sculptor Pierre Vivant. The Sculpture imitates the natural landscape of the adjacent London Plane Trees, while the changing pattern of the lights reveals and reflects the never ending rhythm of the surrounding domestic, financial and commercial activities.

This year has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least, for both myself and my daughter, its been a steep learning curving finding out how we feel, seeing how we should feel and deciding how we want to feel. We’ve cried, laughed and loved more than we have ever done, this has brought us closer but also created more tense times. Surrounding influences have made our relationship more complicated now but also stronger, we both get things wrong and learn as we go along.

There is a lot going on in our life these days, what affect will this have, I don’t know yet? Our life is not what we expected, but I have no doubt that these changing patterns are the right ones and we are going in a more positive direction. She is definitely developing a strength of character beyond her years but is still only ten and has many emotions she does not understand, not to mention the tidal wave of hormones that have conveniently decided to turn up around the same time. She now has a much sharper sense of wit, improved sarcasm, stronger attitude and greater awareness of life around her, she now expresses her love and emotions much more clearly if not always in my favour!! My girl is growing up and like probably all mums out there I was totally unprepared, these things seem to turn up when you take your eye off the ball for a moment.

The funny thing is as my daughter struggles with her emotions I’ve realised how little I have dealt with my own over the past few years, its too easy to get on with everyday life, and put your thoughts to the back of your mind. Some strong emotions have been in our house in the past, not all great ones. Throughout this process my character has also regained its confidence and clarity, I am very proud to say with the added title of embarrassing mother! Not to mention annoying one too, followed by much amusement on my part, especially when she gives me ‘the look’ I am happy knowing I am doing my job properly…

This all being said… to my daughter you still have to make your bed in the morning, go to bed on time, pick up your dirty clothes off the floor etc, you won’t like it but one day you will thank me! (forgive the turning into my mother quote).

In the last year old relationships have finished, new ones have started and existing one have strengthened, not a straightforward process to navigate, it feels like my life has had a good spring clean this year but this has been followed by a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I love those close to me with all my heart and am happy to show it as I know I am loved in return and confident that those few tense times are because we all care and they are a learning process about each other. You have shown me this develops a stronger relationship and deeper understanding of each other, just love me like you do…

Like the lights in the above installation our life’s are a constant changing pattern reflecting the never ending rhythm of our surrounding influences. I’m ready….

 

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It’s time now to let go of the idea that I have any control over my life and to go wherever it takes me. To keep those that I love close and to keep showing them how much I care about them. This week started so well an amazing lunch by the sea with good friends, relaxing and happy. Followed by some fun kids time with an inflatable day at my daughters school we set up for about 500 kids again in the sun. Nicely finished off by dinner out with loved ones. Life is going well, I’m surrounded by some amazing people  who I love and who offer the same unconditional love and care in return.

Then one of very many scans I’ve had over 9 years came back with a few abnormalities this week.  Ok that’s not disastrous just needs more detailed tests right? Until I started getting a few aches with it and told my oncologist this. She has always been very paranoid with me the slightest hint of anything and they are down on me like a ton of bricks, looks like I’m gonna get a houseful of them in the next few weeks! A big dose of steroids on Tuesday an urgent MRI on Wednesday and results confirmed 2 hours later i have a small amount of secondary bone cancer in the top of my spine with a lymph node infected in my neck. Turns out the tamoxifen that has served me so well the last 9 years is no longer doing its job so well. So here we go again get the pic and mix of drugs and treatments out time for a shake up, time to try something new. A bit of radiotherapy, new hormone tablets maybe throw in a bone strengthener! Oh and a pet scan and biopsy ok I can deal with that I trust the people around me to do their best for me. Just don’t expect me to enjoy it…

Where to start??? From sitting there at diagnosis with my boyfriend, speaking  to my dad? 1 hour conversations with friends on the phone checking to see how I am? My daughter was 1 last time I had to deal with any of this she is now nearly 10 and very much more aware of what’s happening. I am negotiating this new territory as best I can but I suspect this will be the biggest hurdle of all to help her with many emotions she doesn’t understand and let’s face it neither do I. What is just plain annoying though is I was supposed to be on a plane and a beach this weekend enjoying the warm sunshine with an amazing man who came into my life 3 months ago. The care and love we have enjoyed together the last few months has been inspiring, Allowing my confidence and character to return back to its full strength thank you. Sorry it looks like our fun plans will be a bit smaller for a while, good excuse to up the budget though later as we deserve it.

I have no idea what the next few months has planned for me some great, some not so great probably. I put my faith in the hands of my care team and will do as I’m told. Surrounded by all the people I love who know some days this will wind me up and I may use the odd swear word here and there. But most of the time I prefer to enjoy myself with others and indulge in the normal madness of our  day to day lifes to some loud music and remember nobody knows what the future holds. Time for cake and maybe even a cheeky spa break!!!

 

Love Angela xx

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ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices are governed, there is nothing that will threaten your happiness….” Gerald Rogers. I have spent too much time and energy in the last few years focusing on the negatives and how to try and fix them, I am now realising the best way to do this is to focus on the positive and the more positive things will step forward in your life. At the beginning of this year I let go of my marriage I cannot fix and I don’t feel bad about it, you can try to fix a bad situation but there comes a point you have to accept it is not possible.

Its amazing how when you split from a long relationship you realise how many people around you have done the same, people you saw in the street now have a story to tell, advice to pass on, its no longer an issue at school,  my daughter is one of many children whose parents have separated. Being able to talk to those who are further down the line than you offers invaluable advice to help you negotiate the tricky process of ‘co-parenting’. The process is not easy you split up for a reason so it doesn’t mean suddenly life will be a bed of roses apart, communication can prove complicated. However now it is limited to a ‘need to know’ basis making it simpler at least, still currently working out this area of my life but in time let’s see what happens.

Part of embracing the positives is not to dwell on the past, look forward after the end of a marriage life is now what you make it and nobody can stop you. You are responsible for your future, as scary as that is the opportunity is now out there to create the life you want, that independent, confident, happy, positive and caring girl is now finding her way back into the world. I now laugh a little harder, my smile is a lot brighter and I find myself smiling for no reason. Its another experience in life that you can learn from and gain strength that it will develop your character and make you a stronger person.

There is someone out there who will make you feel special and think you are amazing just the way you are! The heart is full of hope and that’s the way it should always be…

Here are a few quotes from a beautiful article by Gerald Rogers somethings we should never forget…

Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. Be that man that would OWN HER HEART and fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for her. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman

Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid..

Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

Love from me xxx

Help! I'm a stay-at-home mum

Be inspired, fulfilled and hold your heads high, stay-at-home mums!

ovaryandout

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

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