Archives for posts with tag: Emotion

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I am reminded of that song that says ‘the DJ saved my life’. After my recent dramatic brush with a&e (which was ok in the end) I was left feeling very bruised emotionally, like those around me. Love does funny things to you when it’s given something heavy to deal with especially when you add in the ‘c’ word. I needed an escape, a distraction something good.

I’m laying here in my usual writing spot, in bed at silly hours listening to Adele. She is my ‘Dj that saved my life’. December last year I spent hours via the iPad/phone and computer in an online waiting room trying to get tickets to see Adele at the o2, and I was lucky to. After what seems like forever the date finally arrived last week and typically Mr H had man flu and I was 3 days out of hospital. There was no question hit the drugs cupboard we were on the train and not missing this under any circumstances.

Sitting in the audience waiting the sense of excitement and anticipation is infectious, 2 lighting engineers are abseiled up to their spotlights high up in the gods above our heads and I have no idea how anyone could do that job. The audience falls silent someone has spotted something, a head starts to appear coming up from the middle of the stage, she starts with ‘Hello‘ and the crowd roars, me included. We have amazing seats only 10 rows from the front, I have waited so long to get here I sit on the edge of my seat with wide eyes and love every second.

There is so much emotion in her singing it feels personal, she finds a cancer survivor in the audience and invites her on stage for a big hug and a selfie. Another young girl has made a big poster and everyone laughs when she says can I keep this and the young girl says no, Time for another selfie. Stories continue between songs about her pink thong and lots of her trademark colourful language to go with it, her personality shines through she connects with her audiences and is clearly relaxed. We are told her glass of wine is ready backstage to celebrate her last night, meanwhile on stage she stands there with her mug of hot honey and lemon.

The production is equally impressive especially when ‘set fire to the rain’ Is sung inside a cage of falling rain.

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Her voice is faultless and powerful throughout, the night went too quickly every song a new favourite, the night ends on a climax with ‘Rolling in the deep’ and paper confetti released over our heads. Like a kid at a wedding I’m grabbing the air to catch as many as I can each one is printed with a handwritten message.

‘ throw your soul through every open door’

and ‘thank you for coming’ no thank you for inspiring me, the last few weeks is definitely, ‘water under the bridge’. It’s my new bedtime favourite to remind me to brush life off and move on. Part one of 40th birthday celebrations done.

Enjoy the sunshine

Love always

Angela xx

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All my life I’ve lived by the theory rely on no-one, be independent, be the strong one and look after yourself, as you get older and time goes on you do let some people in but never completely, keeping that level of trust at arms length to protect yourself from getting hurt. It is how I was brought up and has served me well in life keeping me out of harm’s way. But has it??

“The problem with being the strong one is no-one lends you a hand” M.T

Recently, someone came along and held my hand, showing me love and affection, it has allowed me to open up and share emotions that normally I would keep deep inside me and well hidden. A problem shared is a problem halved as they say, suddenly once you talk about something it seems it loses its sense of importance and its affect on you. Even to the point where you start to feel a bit stupid that you let things bother you in the first place.

Also I find myself letting go of some of that independence and dare I say it stubborness! Working together and accepting help when it is offered really does make life easier, and saying thank you instead of justifying why you should do it instead. This does not extend to the washing up though it seems nobody likes this job even if the dishwasher is involved, I know that I certainly don’t. ‘Reluctant to engage in housework’ has even been written in the divorce petition I recently received from my soon to be ex-husband. I have to say that I’m actually quite proud of that one….

The strength to stop listening to what I should be doing, and think about what I want to be doing. Indulging in good times with friends, family and loved ones, free to enjoy without guilt. The indulging part needs to have less calories now, it seems that ‘Eton mess cheesecake’ with raspberries is not very good for the waistline the fruit doesn’t count? So maybe not a life completely without guilt then.. but that indulgence was worth every mouthful!

Just something as simple as the act of holding hands to show your affection, ‘The way your fingers intertwine with another person’s is both innocent and special.”  apparentlySea otters do it. Penguins do it. Even elephants do it, albeit they have to use their trunks.” Did you know otters hold hands while they sleep so they don’t float apart…

I could conquer the world with one hand as long as your holding the other.     — Megan Smith

I am starting to realise how much I have been holding myself back, time to lose the negatives and free up the space to let in the positives. I’ve had the bad to appreciate the good and seen the sad to be able to enjoy the happy. My journey is not a simple one but worth every minute just to feel loved and protected from all the trouble that is in my world.

Stand by my side, hold my hand tight while I hold yours, to love is as important as being loved, it keeps my heart strong and my smile bright…

Thank you

Angela xxx

 

 



traffic_light_tree

Traffic Light Tree is a public sculpture in London, England, created by the French sculptor Pierre Vivant. The Sculpture imitates the natural landscape of the adjacent London Plane Trees, while the changing pattern of the lights reveals and reflects the never ending rhythm of the surrounding domestic, financial and commercial activities.

This year has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least, for both myself and my daughter, its been a steep learning curving finding out how we feel, seeing how we should feel and deciding how we want to feel. We’ve cried, laughed and loved more than we have ever done, this has brought us closer but also created more tense times. Surrounding influences have made our relationship more complicated now but also stronger, we both get things wrong and learn as we go along.

There is a lot going on in our life these days, what affect will this have, I don’t know yet? Our life is not what we expected, but I have no doubt that these changing patterns are the right ones and we are going in a more positive direction. She is definitely developing a strength of character beyond her years but is still only ten and has many emotions she does not understand, not to mention the tidal wave of hormones that have conveniently decided to turn up around the same time. She now has a much sharper sense of wit, improved sarcasm, stronger attitude and greater awareness of life around her, she now expresses her love and emotions much more clearly if not always in my favour!! My girl is growing up and like probably all mums out there I was totally unprepared, these things seem to turn up when you take your eye off the ball for a moment.

The funny thing is as my daughter struggles with her emotions I’ve realised how little I have dealt with my own over the past few years, its too easy to get on with everyday life, and put your thoughts to the back of your mind. Some strong emotions have been in our house in the past, not all great ones. Throughout this process my character has also regained its confidence and clarity, I am very proud to say with the added title of embarrassing mother! Not to mention annoying one too, followed by much amusement on my part, especially when she gives me ‘the look’ I am happy knowing I am doing my job properly…

This all being said… to my daughter you still have to make your bed in the morning, go to bed on time, pick up your dirty clothes off the floor etc, you won’t like it but one day you will thank me! (forgive the turning into my mother quote).

In the last year old relationships have finished, new ones have started and existing one have strengthened, not a straightforward process to navigate, it feels like my life has had a good spring clean this year but this has been followed by a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I love those close to me with all my heart and am happy to show it as I know I am loved in return and confident that those few tense times are because we all care and they are a learning process about each other. You have shown me this develops a stronger relationship and deeper understanding of each other, just love me like you do…

Like the lights in the above installation our life’s are a constant changing pattern reflecting the never ending rhythm of our surrounding influences. I’m ready….

 

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This week the battle lines will be drawn, I will find out all about my enemy and plan my attack  the appointments are booked and the treatments will begin. I will do my duty and dedicate myself wholly to the cause and get back later with the missions progress….

The word ‘cancer’ has frightened a lot of people it has a bad reputation and a negative attitude. It does have a positive side though it reminds us how much we love the people around us and how important it is to be loved and happy, all the small stuff doesn’t matter, the daily stresses lose their priority and the power of a smile can turn around any situation. Watching a film on the sofa whilst the washing up sits in the sink doesn’t make me feel the slightest bit guilty. I also took the new shoes out for a gorgeous lunch on Saturday and only nearly fell over 3 times. (Not due to alcohol may I add but a lack of exposure to heels!!!)

The moments of happiness We enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them but they seize us” Ashley Montagu

It is well known that when one part of your life falls apart another will dramatically improve and this is true the rest of my life continues to skip merrily along its new path. After a weeks holiday in a caravan bonding with my daughter we have developed a new mutual respect for each other realising how much we have both grown this year and need one another. We both have feelings and emotions and it’s important we care and look out for each other, I’m probably still an annoying mum but suddenly I’m not so bad after all! Just don’t mention bedtime or the mess in her bedroom…

My ex husband has taken my news hard understandably as he also lived through this 9 years ago with me and has also realised that all the small stuff doesn’t matter anymore, most of it anyway. Potentially this wake up call that will keep us in a much more reasonable and amicable direction, it is possible to treat each other more positively and get on with the lives we chose. I’m not nieve though it’s a fine line and it wouldn’t take much to tip the balance the wrong way but time will tell if we can get it right. For now I appreciate one less stress in life.

One unexpected development in my life this year has been to meet a man who exceeds my expectations every time I see him and has shown me a level of care and affection that I had long forgotten existed. I love having a new journey to enjoy, despite all the other stuff going on we still find ourselves giggling and feeling loved which I am very thankful for.

However one not so successful part of the school holidays is my waistline!! Out for lunch, dinner, fish and chips at the seaside, picnic food, bbq’s, ice cream over the park. My daughters holiday diet of nuggets and chips has come to an end, no excuses now, Time to fill the fridge with fruit. Did someone mention a takeaway? Oh and meeting mums for lunch on Thursday, Oh dear doesn’t look like much chance of a healthy lifestyle this week either, when school starts back then but it’s my daughters birthday weekend… Oh crap my halo is well and truly slipping……

Where did I put my bike…. And that apple!

Enjoy the holidays

A xxx

imageForget the boring rubbish today I’m not interested I’m going to spoil myself and be greedy, selfish… The toys have left the pram no one is gonna stop me….

I am gonna buy those shoes that I saw yesterday that I can’t justify I am not going to clean the fish tank, I am sitting on my sofa this afternoon with ‘Outlander’ now that I have finally caught up with the rest of the world and discovered Amazon prime on the smart TV.

This morning I am starting with indulging in all my less than attractive qualities and yes that would be best described as grumpy with sadness thrown in for good measure. I spoke to my oncologist last night and the results are in it is confirmed that my cancer has returned after 9 years, I am less than amused! Best throw in angry and pissed off too.

a biopsy will confirm which treatments they want to give me but looks like this will be long term hobby, time to play the dutiful part-time patient again. It’s been a long time since I was here and surprisingly I feel stronger this time my life is in a good place, there are now many positive distractions showing me this will not takeover and consume my life this time.

Get through today and then that’s enough sulking nobody likes a winger back to life and I will be doing all those treats and trips and dinners and excuses for fun that normally you can not justify or even just having an excuse to down tools. I think it would be a good start to actually get out of bed first though once this post is done…

My emotions are spent I do not comprehend which way they are going today my brain hurts, who knows how the people around me even start to understand this roller coaster. One medicine I am sure of is the power of love and touch. Knowing you are cared about makes all the difference, the hugs, flowers, the cake, the best wishes all put a big smile back on my face and I feel indulged and spoilt thanks.

I have one final emotion to deal with one of the most important women in my world… My mum who lost her battle and died over 17 years ago of secondary bone cancer she was my world and my rock. Words do not describe how much I miss you, even more so today.

Enough now back to the real world I have shoes to buy and really need to feed the cat!!! nails book for 11… Spoil me it is then. You can’t keep a good girl down for long…

Love always

Angela

xx

Help! I'm a stay-at-home mum

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ovaryandout

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

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