Archives for posts with tag: Emotions

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Photo: My mum and dad very very many years ago..

I have just spent a lovely weekend celebrating a school friends 40th Birthday party, catching up with my old school friends complete with our neon accessories and leg warmers for her 80’s themed night. She is the first in my school year to celebrate and there are many more to follow, mine will be in April next year…  judging by this weekends party I need to start planning as I have much to live up to. As yet I don’t feel a mid-life crisis coming, no need it seems life crisis’ find me whether I like it or not, so no need to buy the red sports car just yet, or embark on a new exciting relationship? Oops correction have already started this one!

Last week October 4th was the anniversary of our school friend who sadly lost his battle to cancer 2 years ago, so a bottle of prossecco was opened at saturday’s party in his memory and we all danced to 2 of his favourite songs on the dance floor, an emotional anniversary for us to remember and time to reflect on our own lives.

October also starts with my wedding anniversary which this year was strange as obviously it is not a date I wish to celebrate but nether less it is still a date that is remembered so does it still count as being called an anniversary? Some people and times we wish to remember and others we prefer to forget, when it comes to my marriage recent unhappy years I choose to forget but I look back at my wedding day fondly and remember that sense of optimism and excitement that I had starting out on married life. We both had every intention of growing old together and having one of those 60th wedding anniversary parties that older couples have, unfortunately we became a lot of  ‘worse’ and eventually no ‘better’ so it became time for us both to move on.

“Some lives leave a mark, others leave a stain…” Charles Saatchi

It seems we all have events in our lives that every year we choose to remember in our own way, an anniversary is very much about remembering if not necessarily celebrating, there are many dates in the year that we remember some are happy ones and some not so much. Tomorrow is October the 13th this was the day that 9 years ago I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, good as its 9 years but current complications make me feel uneasy about celebrating that fact, I reserve my judgement for the moment.

One particular anniversary is like a dark cloud forming around mid October time that often comes up behind me before I realise the time is when my mum was diagnosed as terminally ill with cancer and had only a few months to live. I’m not the only one to have dates in my life that test our ability to deal with the emotions they bring, however it seems I am also not alone in this year forgetting this anniversary and it almost passing me by without my recognition. This is the first time in 17 years this has happened and I feel guilty just like the husband who forgot his wedding anniversary, I have been distracted with the better things happening in my life but I am sure my mum would forgive me just the once. It seems as time passes the bad things are remembered less and overtaken by the good and happy memories, less the date she died and more the date she was born.

The Fallen Limb, by Poet Unknown:

A limb has fallen from the family tree.
I keep hearing a voice that says, “Grieve not for me.
Remember the best times, the laughter, the song.
The good life I lived while I was strong.
Continue my heritage, I’m counting on you.
Keep smiling and surely the sun will shine through...

So fondly remember those important dates as people come and go in our lives, celebrating the good memories and raising a toast to the sad ones. Spend time creating new fun memories with those around us, our years will be full of anniversaries, as time goes on even more will be added. Decisions need to made.. a party?, a holiday?, afternoon tea? spa break? expensive dinner?. I really should start saving for my 40th birthday…

Love Always

Angela xx

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It’s time now to let go of the idea that I have any control over my life and to go wherever it takes me. To keep those that I love close and to keep showing them how much I care about them. This week started so well an amazing lunch by the sea with good friends, relaxing and happy. Followed by some fun kids time with an inflatable day at my daughters school we set up for about 500 kids again in the sun. Nicely finished off by dinner out with loved ones. Life is going well, I’m surrounded by some amazing people  who I love and who offer the same unconditional love and care in return.

Then one of very many scans I’ve had over 9 years came back with a few abnormalities this week.  Ok that’s not disastrous just needs more detailed tests right? Until I started getting a few aches with it and told my oncologist this. She has always been very paranoid with me the slightest hint of anything and they are down on me like a ton of bricks, looks like I’m gonna get a houseful of them in the next few weeks! A big dose of steroids on Tuesday an urgent MRI on Wednesday and results confirmed 2 hours later i have a small amount of secondary bone cancer in the top of my spine with a lymph node infected in my neck. Turns out the tamoxifen that has served me so well the last 9 years is no longer doing its job so well. So here we go again get the pic and mix of drugs and treatments out time for a shake up, time to try something new. A bit of radiotherapy, new hormone tablets maybe throw in a bone strengthener! Oh and a pet scan and biopsy ok I can deal with that I trust the people around me to do their best for me. Just don’t expect me to enjoy it…

Where to start??? From sitting there at diagnosis with my boyfriend, speaking  to my dad? 1 hour conversations with friends on the phone checking to see how I am? My daughter was 1 last time I had to deal with any of this she is now nearly 10 and very much more aware of what’s happening. I am negotiating this new territory as best I can but I suspect this will be the biggest hurdle of all to help her with many emotions she doesn’t understand and let’s face it neither do I. What is just plain annoying though is I was supposed to be on a plane and a beach this weekend enjoying the warm sunshine with an amazing man who came into my life 3 months ago. The care and love we have enjoyed together the last few months has been inspiring, Allowing my confidence and character to return back to its full strength thank you. Sorry it looks like our fun plans will be a bit smaller for a while, good excuse to up the budget though later as we deserve it.

I have no idea what the next few months has planned for me some great, some not so great probably. I put my faith in the hands of my care team and will do as I’m told. Surrounded by all the people I love who know some days this will wind me up and I may use the odd swear word here and there. But most of the time I prefer to enjoy myself with others and indulge in the normal madness of our  day to day lifes to some loud music and remember nobody knows what the future holds. Time for cake and maybe even a cheeky spa break!!!

 

Love Angela xx

Help! I'm a stay-at-home mum

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ovaryandout

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

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