Archives for posts with tag: friends

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Photo: My mum and dad very very many years ago..

I have just spent a lovely weekend celebrating a school friends 40th Birthday party, catching up with my old school friends complete with our neon accessories and leg warmers for her 80’s themed night. She is the first in my school year to celebrate and there are many more to follow, mine will be in April next year…  judging by this weekends party I need to start planning as I have much to live up to. As yet I don’t feel a mid-life crisis coming, no need it seems life crisis’ find me whether I like it or not, so no need to buy the red sports car just yet, or embark on a new exciting relationship? Oops correction have already started this one!

Last week October 4th was the anniversary of our school friend who sadly lost his battle to cancer 2 years ago, so a bottle of prossecco was opened at saturday’s party in his memory and we all danced to 2 of his favourite songs on the dance floor, an emotional anniversary for us to remember and time to reflect on our own lives.

October also starts with my wedding anniversary which this year was strange as obviously it is not a date I wish to celebrate but nether less it is still a date that is remembered so does it still count as being called an anniversary? Some people and times we wish to remember and others we prefer to forget, when it comes to my marriage recent unhappy years I choose to forget but I look back at my wedding day fondly and remember that sense of optimism and excitement that I had starting out on married life. We both had every intention of growing old together and having one of those 60th wedding anniversary parties that older couples have, unfortunately we became a lot of  ‘worse’ and eventually no ‘better’ so it became time for us both to move on.

“Some lives leave a mark, others leave a stain…” Charles Saatchi

It seems we all have events in our lives that every year we choose to remember in our own way, an anniversary is very much about remembering if not necessarily celebrating, there are many dates in the year that we remember some are happy ones and some not so much. Tomorrow is October the 13th this was the day that 9 years ago I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, good as its 9 years but current complications make me feel uneasy about celebrating that fact, I reserve my judgement for the moment.

One particular anniversary is like a dark cloud forming around mid October time that often comes up behind me before I realise the time is when my mum was diagnosed as terminally ill with cancer and had only a few months to live. I’m not the only one to have dates in my life that test our ability to deal with the emotions they bring, however it seems I am also not alone in this year forgetting this anniversary and it almost passing me by without my recognition. This is the first time in 17 years this has happened and I feel guilty just like the husband who forgot his wedding anniversary, I have been distracted with the better things happening in my life but I am sure my mum would forgive me just the once. It seems as time passes the bad things are remembered less and overtaken by the good and happy memories, less the date she died and more the date she was born.

The Fallen Limb, by Poet Unknown:

A limb has fallen from the family tree.
I keep hearing a voice that says, “Grieve not for me.
Remember the best times, the laughter, the song.
The good life I lived while I was strong.
Continue my heritage, I’m counting on you.
Keep smiling and surely the sun will shine through...

So fondly remember those important dates as people come and go in our lives, celebrating the good memories and raising a toast to the sad ones. Spend time creating new fun memories with those around us, our years will be full of anniversaries, as time goes on even more will be added. Decisions need to made.. a party?, a holiday?, afternoon tea? spa break? expensive dinner?. I really should start saving for my 40th birthday…

Love Always

Angela xx

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All my life I’ve lived by the theory rely on no-one, be independent, be the strong one and look after yourself, as you get older and time goes on you do let some people in but never completely, keeping that level of trust at arms length to protect yourself from getting hurt. It is how I was brought up and has served me well in life keeping me out of harm’s way. But has it??

“The problem with being the strong one is no-one lends you a hand” M.T

Recently, someone came along and held my hand, showing me love and affection, it has allowed me to open up and share emotions that normally I would keep deep inside me and well hidden. A problem shared is a problem halved as they say, suddenly once you talk about something it seems it loses its sense of importance and its affect on you. Even to the point where you start to feel a bit stupid that you let things bother you in the first place.

Also I find myself letting go of some of that independence and dare I say it stubborness! Working together and accepting help when it is offered really does make life easier, and saying thank you instead of justifying why you should do it instead. This does not extend to the washing up though it seems nobody likes this job even if the dishwasher is involved, I know that I certainly don’t. ‘Reluctant to engage in housework’ has even been written in the divorce petition I recently received from my soon to be ex-husband. I have to say that I’m actually quite proud of that one….

The strength to stop listening to what I should be doing, and think about what I want to be doing. Indulging in good times with friends, family and loved ones, free to enjoy without guilt. The indulging part needs to have less calories now, it seems that ‘Eton mess cheesecake’ with raspberries is not very good for the waistline the fruit doesn’t count? So maybe not a life completely without guilt then.. but that indulgence was worth every mouthful!

Just something as simple as the act of holding hands to show your affection, ‘The way your fingers intertwine with another person’s is both innocent and special.”  apparentlySea otters do it. Penguins do it. Even elephants do it, albeit they have to use their trunks.” Did you know otters hold hands while they sleep so they don’t float apart…

I could conquer the world with one hand as long as your holding the other.     — Megan Smith

I am starting to realise how much I have been holding myself back, time to lose the negatives and free up the space to let in the positives. I’ve had the bad to appreciate the good and seen the sad to be able to enjoy the happy. My journey is not a simple one but worth every minute just to feel loved and protected from all the trouble that is in my world.

Stand by my side, hold my hand tight while I hold yours, to love is as important as being loved, it keeps my heart strong and my smile bright…

Thank you

Angela xxx

 

 



At the beginning of every Year I get a feel of the direction the year will be going… This year it is a sense of change, of soul searching and a search for inner peace.

I have been fighting for 8 years now, first the breast cancer surgery then the chemotherapy, radiotherapy, hormone therapy, more surgery, seizure, coma, more medication, panic attacks, anxiety and so on…. I am now feeling battle weary and am ready for a break. As dramatic as it all sounds it is what it is. Unfair but it all happens as it is supposed to, you accept it and patiently wait while you hopefully head towards recovery putting your well being in the hands of others. You don’t know the outcome and as such do not assume everything will be ok.

I have throughout assumed that my marriage would be ok I expected ups and downs and hard times  but in the past year the cancer battle has been overtaken by the realisation that we are not ok. My husband walked out 3 weeks before christmas his parting words to our daughter were “mummy and daddy are not get on”. I am writing this blog the night before I have agreed to go to a counselling session at which after a month of maybe/maybe not thoughts and experiences I have no idea which way tomorrow will go.

Is cancer to blame? Are we both battle weary? Why are we not closer after everything we have been through? Have we both been so busy keeping life going over the last eight years that for whatever reason, illness, money, time or tiredness we have taken our eyes off the prize and as such our foundations have collapsed.

Are we at the point of no return I cannot answer this for my husband. I know I have no fight left in me anymore and am not prepared to just exist together. We both agree on one thing we want to be happy, appreciated and loved, is this together? I may find out tomorrow or time will tell. For now my priority is my daughter and our health and well being.

One positive from this is finding out how many people have your best interest at heart. It is true you find out who your friends are in a crisis, true, honest, strong friendships are a blessing and should be treasured with all the love you can muster.

‘Life has a lot of grey and sadness – look for that rainbow and frame it. There is beauty in everything, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see it’ Charlotte Kitley 

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My old boss called it Fat Friday, my daughter calls it Friday Feast and my friend calls it Booze Night. Its seems after a recent random post on Facebook this is a long standing tradition in most households, friday marks the end of a busy week. We spend all week working hard, we do our homework, we exercise, we eat well, we avoid fatty foods, alcohol and sweets (exceptions apply). By the end of the week we have earn’t ourselves our favourite treat, for older generations I can remember this being ‘fish and chips’, in my 20’s it was a chance to unwind after work with friends, as a child it was going to the sweet shop after school and staying up past my bedtime.

We enjoy our fridays much like christmas eve, we get to enjoy our chosen treats the way we like before the big stuff the next day. Its a guilt free time of the week when the usual rules no longer apply without the pressure of where we should be or what we should be doing.

So get ready with that bottle of wine you have been saving, those gorgeous new desserts you saw in the shops today, check the TV for a good rom com, text friends to meet at the pub you’ve been meaning to try for ages, go forth and eat your dinner without checking the fat, sugar and salt content. Relax, Indulge and enjoy your night off, just don’t anyone mention monday morning…

 

January is a strange month, for some reasons it can be miserable. The worst rainfall on record, loved ones lost at this time of year, removing the Christmas decorations, its dark, cold and more trivially rubbish on telly. However this year I find myself reflective and making plans for this year, which for me marks a significant step in my recovery process.

Making plans when you’ve been ill isn’t something that sits very comfortably. Deciding to spend money on a holiday or do work on the house is something that is more carefully considered than normal. What if I’m ill with Cancer again, what if my husband can’t work because he needs to look after me and our daughter all over again? Rather than commit just yet Google has become my best friend in January, researching every project I can think of, checking prices, reading blogs, mumsnet forums and Trip Advisor on the best place for a family holiday??

I have also found myself spring cleaning the house, which judging by this neglected blog was last done in September when I sorted the kitchen cupboards. So far I’ve finally parted with all the baby stuff via ebay, the charity shops and donations to friends, cleaned the cooker, cleared out my daughters old clothes, moved the furniture around, empty my email inbox and have a very good dust and clean. I’m finding the process quite therapeutic and starting to enjoy my January, clear out the old and get ready for the new (although my husband can stay!!), arrange coffee with all the friends you ran out of time to see in December. If I’m stuck indoors I may as well get those jobs done and when the weather improves and we go out more I will be guilt free to do what I like. Not a lot happens in January so we have free weekends to sit and watch a film on a Sunday followed by a hearty Sunday roast. No diets just a post christmas sort out, more healthy food, more home cooked dinners, trying different fruits and flavours.

I’m embracing the fact that I have time to think, time to plan, time with friends and family away from all the usual pressures that seem to fill the rest of year. January is a month like no other, its the first of the year, its new, its ideas, its quiet, stress free and relaxed. Time to concentrate on the important parts of your life and look after yourself and your family without distraction…

 

 

 

Help! I'm a stay-at-home mum

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ovaryandout

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

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