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At the beginning of every Year I get a feel of the direction the year will be going… This year it is a sense of change, of soul searching and a search for inner peace.

I have been fighting for 8 years now, first the breast cancer surgery then the chemotherapy, radiotherapy, hormone therapy, more surgery, seizure, coma, more medication, panic attacks, anxiety and so on…. I am now feeling battle weary and am ready for a break. As dramatic as it all sounds it is what it is. Unfair but it all happens as it is supposed to, you accept it and patiently wait while you hopefully head towards recovery putting your well being in the hands of others. You don’t know the outcome and as such do not assume everything will be ok.

I have throughout assumed that my marriage would be ok I expected ups and downs and hard times  but in the past year the cancer battle has been overtaken by the realisation that we are not ok. My husband walked out 3 weeks before christmas his parting words to our daughter were “mummy and daddy are not get on”. I am writing this blog the night before I have agreed to go to a counselling session at which after a month of maybe/maybe not thoughts and experiences I have no idea which way tomorrow will go.

Is cancer to blame? Are we both battle weary? Why are we not closer after everything we have been through? Have we both been so busy keeping life going over the last eight years that for whatever reason, illness, money, time or tiredness we have taken our eyes off the prize and as such our foundations have collapsed.

Are we at the point of no return I cannot answer this for my husband. I know I have no fight left in me anymore and am not prepared to just exist together. We both agree on one thing we want to be happy, appreciated and loved, is this together? I may find out tomorrow or time will tell. For now my priority is my daughter and our health and well being.

One positive from this is finding out how many people have your best interest at heart. It is true you find out who your friends are in a crisis, true, honest, strong friendships are a blessing and should be treasured with all the love you can muster.

‘Life has a lot of grey and sadness – look for that rainbow and frame it. There is beauty in everything, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see it’ Charlotte Kitley 

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My old boss called it Fat Friday, my daughter calls it Friday Feast and my friend calls it Booze Night. Its seems after a recent random post on Facebook this is a long standing tradition in most households, friday marks the end of a busy week. We spend all week working hard, we do our homework, we exercise, we eat well, we avoid fatty foods, alcohol and sweets (exceptions apply). By the end of the week we have earn’t ourselves our favourite treat, for older generations I can remember this being ‘fish and chips’, in my 20’s it was a chance to unwind after work with friends, as a child it was going to the sweet shop after school and staying up past my bedtime.

We enjoy our fridays much like christmas eve, we get to enjoy our chosen treats the way we like before the big stuff the next day. Its a guilt free time of the week when the usual rules no longer apply without the pressure of where we should be or what we should be doing.

So get ready with that bottle of wine you have been saving, those gorgeous new desserts you saw in the shops today, check the TV for a good rom com, text friends to meet at the pub you’ve been meaning to try for ages, go forth and eat your dinner without checking the fat, sugar and salt content. Relax, Indulge and enjoy your night off, just don’t anyone mention monday morning…

 

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1806756-Best-response-when-your-child-answers-you-back

I’ve noticed as my daughter has reached the end of her infant school education how much her confidence has grown. She is top of her year, the oldest, more experienced in school life than her reception school mates.

With this comes the added confidence at home, the answering back, the ability to realise when she says no she can stand her ground and refuse to back down. I’ve found myself turning into my mother, phrases such as ‘Because I said so thats why’, ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. I’m starting understand my own mother more now than when I had no children.

My mother was taken from us by breast cancer when I was 21 before I had my daughter, so my motherhood has developed without her help or influence and it amazes me that I’m naturally doing the same things as she did with me when I was younger. One thing that does start to worry me is the mischief I got up to in my teenage years and at university, and I’ve still to reach that phase yet.. although I have a few years before we get there.

I’m grateful that my daughter still likes the park, an ice-cream and is currently counting how many sleeps until her birthday.. 46..

This mumsnet discussion on answering back definitely makes for an interesting read on the subject…

Help! I'm a stay-at-home mum

Be inspired, fulfilled and hold your heads high, stay-at-home mums!

ovaryandout

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

Great highs, the depths of the lows and why at age 7 do I still have to remind my daughter to say please!

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